Solitary

He was just browsing through his stuff on a random, boring night. He opened his drawer and there he saw an old, hard-bound notebook. He read and saw and remembered that year – that time when He kept his writings all to himself. That time when he felt sad. That time when He felt all alone.

He had friends. He had a lot of friends. He lived alone but his friends lived nearby. He had just started a relationship. He was busy with College. He was an officer in so many school organizations. He was always busy. He spends the entire day running from one class to another, one meeting after the other, spending time with his girl, spending time with his friends. He would go home late, do his home works and yet after each passing day, every single night, he couldn’t sleep. He would drink his ice-cold, black coffee and he would write.

He doesn’t feel empty. He feels lonely. He just feels lonely. Nothing would seem to fill-up the loneliness inside of him. He once thought of ending everything. He even wrote letters to everyone. He was decided. He finished all the letters and folded it neatly. He was ready. He thought of how to end things but couldn’t find the best way to do it. Slashing was bloody. He hates blood. Hanging would take a lot effort. He didn’t have the rope. Overdosing was out of the question. He doesn’t have any type of meds in his house. After thinking on how to end his life. He sat down feeling — lonely. Giving up, he just forced himself to sleep.

When he woke up, the sun was up. He started with his usual routine – took a shower, made coffee, smoked a ciggie, ate breakfast, got ready for school. Here, he would be busy. Here, he would be smiling. Here, he would be laughing. Here, it disguised the loneliness he felt into something else.

6 years after he wrote this poem, he was glad he couldn’t decided on which is the best way to die. He read the poem. He remembered how terrible it was. He remembered writing each line. He remembered every single detail of that night. He remembered each line except for the last. He read it today and he doesn’t remember writing nor thinking about that last line.

FACADE

Extrovert

In so many ways

Not in my own problems

I tell what’s on my mind

Sometimes, being too blunt

I try to handle things

On my own

Not wanting to be a burden

To everyone

Branded as a counselor

I solve people’s concerns

Listening to everyone

My own stays here

Unsolved

Accumulating

Breaking down in a corner

Only witness is God

Laughing with everyone

No one notices

Solitary worker

Helping everyone

Always thinking-I can solve this on my own

In reality

I guess I need all of you

Scared of everything collapsing

Everything shattered

One by one

Holding onto a single post

Now collapsing on me

Don’t wanna be buried in debris

Now, I cry for your help

He cried for help. He doesn’t remember if anyone did help. He realized, everything could change. He’s happy now. After 6 years, someone unexpected rescued him and he didn’t even know it until today.

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TALK

It has always been my principle to be blunt and not sugarcoat. A lot of people go around in circles sugarcoating things that they want to say and then they spend time trying to decipher what it means.

“Say what you mean.”

This makes things a whole lot easier. No time wasted on deciphering subtexts and hidden meanings. No time wasted on sugarcoating.

If you can’t say it exactly the way it should be said, then shut up.

I, for one, would rather hear it in its simplest and most raw form–exactly the way it is. At least, when it’s out there. It’s out there. If it hurts, it hurts. Decide what you want to do with this information, deal with it and move on. Besides, the things that people say doesn’t make you who you are.

So, if he or she asks you if you’re mad or angry, if you really are, just say, “yes. can we please talk later.” Rather than, saying, “no” and then it all builds up and then one day you just lash out about every little thing.

It IS hard to do. I do fail this sometimes.

Oh, but I try. I really try.

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Designer Drug

With you I question my sanity

I find myself unable to sleep

I awake gasping for air

Not knowing why

Messing with my head

My body reacts in an unfamiliar way

Testing the bounderies

Pushing my mind to the limit

Confusing the want to be drunk

And the need to be sober

Almost faltering

I succumb slowly to your power

Like a poisonous vice

My mind dies slowly

While it begs for more

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About to Vomit

A person can only take so much. They’re like the stomach, if it has no other way of getting things out and if it fills up and needs to empty itself up, the fastest way it will go is to hurl it up and vomit it out.

Some may have higher tolerances more than another. Some may take a can of beer and hurl right away. Some may take dozens of beers before the feel the need to vomit. For a person who takes more, it will be a huge vomit, of course.

You can identify when it’s enough. Just right before the last bottle that will open the gates of your throat. The question is:

do you stop, rest for awhile and then go back?

or do you stop and completely leave, never coming back?

or do you continue taking it in and then create a huge mess?

When taking in intoxicating things, I think, it’s very much understandable that you eventually give-up and think of your well-being. It’s not selfish. It’s loving yourself.

A person can only take so much.

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Judge Me

Judge me all you want. Think of what you’d like to think of me. Put me in a box. Assume things about me. By what terms?

By the way I wear these clothes?

By the sound of my voice?

By the movement of my body?

By what I choose to do?

Tell me, how would you feel when you’re being judged? When you’re the one in this spotlight? When people conclude your entire being with no actual and solid basis?

I am here. I am underneath this spotlight and you all look at me with those eyes. I am here because I am living the life that you can only dream of. Because I am taking the risks that you want to take. And you judge with spite, because you know deep inside you are jealous with what I have done, with what I do and what I can do. All of which you can never do because you’re a coward. That’s just it. So look at me with spite and say harsh words.

I pity you. Because you try so hard to put me in a box but I always break free. Because YOU are in a box and you stay there, leering at me. Because every single word you breathe out of that mouth of yours, every thought that lingers inside that brain of yours, they all scream envy.

So, Judge me. At least I have the courage to live my life, drive the wheel and take control. You? You are there amidst the crowd, just one the faceless masses of flesh.

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Resilience

“Whether you fall

Means nothing at all

It’s whether you get up

It’s whether you GET UP”

– Whether you fall, Tracy Bonham

When you’ve seem to have lost everything, how long do you wallow? How long do you sulk? A day? A month? A year? How long does it take to pick yourself up? I’ve always faced problems with the question, “What can we do? NOW?” Not dwelling on how it happened, why it happened and what should’ve happened.

I’m not a robot. I do give myself time to lock myself in my house, cry, wallow, sulk but only for 3-7 days. When something devastating happens, life isn’t over. What happened doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is how you get up from it. What matters is how you bounce back. What matters is what you do about it. What matters is that you learned from it.

It actually gives you more wisdom. It gives you experience. It molds you to become a better person.

So don’t stop at wallowing. Get up. Do something.

Material things are just material things. It never becomes more than what it is. It is a thing. It can be replaced.

People on the other hand, cannot be replaced. They can never be replaced. Losing one person doesn’t mean you lose the entire world. There are other people in a person’s life that care about you. When you’ve lost someone, another person will enter your life. He is not a replacement. He’s an entirely new person which will have an entirely new role in your life.

In reality, you can never lose someone, because you can never possess a person.

So, get up. Bounce back. Learn from everything life throws at you. It’s not a game. It’s growth. So get up and grow up. There’s nothing you can do to change what has transpired but there is something you can do to make things happen the way you want it to be.

How fast can you get back on your feet?

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Kieses for Sale

As adults, we forget how mistakes can be funny and amusing, up until the children around us remind us that it is funny and amusing.

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